Showing posts tagged relationships
PUBLIC RESPONSES TO PRIVATE MESSAGES: #4 - CAN I SPOIL YOU?
Oh, wow! Can you spoil me? I mean, it does sound like an amazing offer. Let’s talk this out. So, the situation would be you, a man, showering, me with affection, buying me whatever I want, possibly going down on me on a regular basis, etc. Maybe you fly me to Paris, make me frittatas for breakfast (I can’t believe you can cook!) then propose to me in front of the Great Pyramid. Oh Jesus, I never even knew they made 20 carat diamonds! I say “yes”! Of course I say “yes”, because this every woman’s dream! A year after our first date, we’re living in a wonderful house in Cape Cod and I have everything I’ve ever wanted. But slowly, I sober up after realizing I was drunk on being taken care of. I cry while you’re gone because I’ve lost myself. What happened to my career? What happened to my friends? And the worst part of it all, because this relationship with you is based on diamonds and dinners at Per Se, you feel that you are entitled to treat me like an object.
When neighbors become worried, I blame the moodiness and yelling on your stressful job as a high powered investment banker. But deep down inside, I know that doesn’t excuse why you hit me when the hand towels are crooked.
But I’ve put up with enough! I want to live my life again! Who cares if I have to put my car payment on a credit card? It’s better than living with you, a rich control freak, who one day will not hesitate to slice my neck open with our Gunter Wilhelm paring knife and watch me bleed out on our $10,000 Persian rug … smiling because you know now, no one else will have me.
While we’re out on our boat one night, I fall overboard during a storm, fake my own death at sea, swim back the house (you didn’t know I could swim, did you!), flush my wedding ring down the toilet and escape to Iowa. I become a librarian and fall in love with a sweet man who has too much facial hair.
Sound familiar? It’s the plot to the Julia Roberts’ opus “Sleeping With the Enemy” and had it been released in 2012, it would have started with an on-line dating message just like this one.
While the idea of being a female house pet is embarrassingly tempting to me, even having seen “Sleeping With the Enemy” more times than I care to admit, for my own safety, I’ll pass on your offer.
The Perfect Man
Episode 2 - Roommating - “Girlfriend”
In this episode, Joel’s girlfriend is depressed. And he wants to keep it that way! But not if I have anything to do with it. (With the very talented Jillian Szafranski).
This episode features my favorite phrase “blow jobs and doggy style” - a term I use to describe myself when I was going through my “awkward slut” phase, which is to say, I would be ok if sex with a man involved only blow jobs and doggy style, even if I didn’t get to do anything I liked in return (cuddles, jokes about unicorns, an orgasm). Why? Because I was just happy a man was paying attention to me.
Don’t worry, I have self esteem now. And when I give someone a blow job now, it’s because I want to, not because I think they won’t like me if I don’t.
And you best believe we’re telling unicorn jokes naked.
