Showing posts tagged online dating
PUBLIC RESPONSES TO PRIVATE MESSAGES: #3 - A BIT CRAZY
Hi possible future date!
I’m not sure if people would consider me “ a bit crazy”. But how about this… I’ll tell you what I did last night and you can judge for yourself ;)
I went to Gelson’s and picked up a yummy dinner - two bottles of malbec, pre-made tuna salad and rice crackers. Went home, popped off my men’s Nike’s, unpacked the groceries (set them on my desk) and finished my work (looked at porn).
It was 10PM when I realized that I was very drunk and my hands smelled like a gross pier on a sweltering day. At this point in the evening, I had two options:
Option #1 - Go to bed
Option #2 - Dance
Blame Robyn’s “Call Your Girlfriend” and M83’s “Midnight City” forcing me onto my feet and shaking my ass like no one was watching (because no one was. I live alone). I watched myself dance in a full length mirror, wearing a robe over my clothes, for about 30 minutes. Not sure if you’ve ever danced in a heavy robe over a flannel shirt and corduroys, but it can get hot really quick, so I got totally naked, marched in my bedroom and put on a silk party dress, panty hose and peep toe heels. Feeling amazing in an outfit too bold for an indoor lonely dance party was the fuel I needed to dance the night away. I hit shuffle on my iTunes and danced like a three year old at a wedding. The two bottles of wine sloshing through my system made it easy to make every song a dance hit - Journey, Merle Haggard, episode one of Breaking Bad.
But the night, she was a justa getting started! I flung my shoes off and into the floor lamp, grabbed my last glass of wine and my laptop, and headed into my bedroom for a little single lady alone time ;)
I laid on my bed, took off my pantyhose, then opened my laptop. I went to my gmail, did a quick search for sad/angry emails ex’s have sent me, then read them aloud while crying and apologizing for being a terrible human being.
Next thing you know, it’s 8AM, my face is washed, the laptop is plugged in and all my clothes are put away. After I double checked that no pleading, sad emails were sent to anyone, I put my yoga clothes on and walked to the gym like nothing ever happened.
Anyway, I’d love to grab a drink if I sound like your dream woman.
PUBLIC RESPONSES TO PRIVATE MESSAGES #1: THE OUT-OF-TOWNER
This internet stranger used a lot of unnecessary words to express that he would like to fuck me at the end of December. I’m not into out-of-town dick or short-term anything, so I won’t be responding to this. But if you’re a guy, and you’re interested in fucking a girl who you’ve never met before and you’re only in town for a couple of days, here are some more direct things you could email. Sending her the following things might not guarantee she’ll meet you, but if she’s down to fuck, it just might do the trick:
#1 Look, I don’t know you, you don’t know me, but I’d like to give you the sexual experience of your life at the end of December.
#2 Just your pictures are making me hard. Imagine what would happen if we were in the same room together. I am.
#3 After Santa Claus comes, I think you should too. And I’m the guy to make that happen. With my tongue.
#4 I know we don’t know each other, but I’d like to take you to the Standard and fuck you for days.
#5 Wouldn’t it be fun to ring in the New Year with my fingers touching you in places you didn’t know were pleasurable?
#6 For Christmas, ‘tis better to give than receive. And I have the perfect gift for you. Multiple orgasms.
These are just some examples of more direct ways to ask for casual, time sensitive sex…because there’s no time to pussy foot around when you’re a guy looking to escape family holiday festivities by fucking a stranger.
