Showing posts tagged jerk

Apple to the face

I seriously considered taking the apple I was eating from my mouth and throwing it out my office door as a co-worker walked by.

If I did it, which I didn’t, I think I know what would happen:

He would be pissed and confused. And I would be laughing, because I’d be so delighted that I actually did it. Which would be uncomfortable. And I like uncomfortable situations.

Since I’m a quick thinker, on account of growing up poor,  I’d say to him that I was aiming for the trashcan and missed, and then I’d have to hope that he wouldn’t ask why I throw apples away with such brute force.

He’d still be mad and confused all the way home. And at dinner, he’d tell his girlfriend or mom or boyfriend the story. And no one would believe him! Cause it’s unbelievable…. a co-worker hurling fruit at your face from the comfort of her ergonomic chair.  And everyone would want to hear about what an awful person I am and why I would do something like that, and he’d start in on me and what an awful person I am outside of this incident. How I talk on the phone too loud and watch PS22 sing “”Pictures of You” over and over again, crying loudly every time they sang the lyric “There was nothing in the world that I ever wanted more, than to feel you deep in my heart”, and how I yell “GODDAMNIT” everyday at 4:38  because the sun starts to set and blinds me while I stare into my computer but I never do anything about it.

And they’d have a real lively conversation. And they’d feel alive. 

And it would all be because of me! …. and my lack of impulse control….and because I’m kind of a jerk.

However you want to look at it, I get the credit.

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Gel nails, frank sexual discussions, L.A. Noire, reproductive rights, tacos, AG jeans, hugs, deadpan, Armani luminous silk, LGBT equality, sarcasm, Downtown Abbey, fair and balanced government, & side eye.

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