Erin Gibson

Sympathy, Not Sarcasm: A Response to The Onion’s Cleveland Kidnapping Victim Piece

The Onion is masterful at satire. I’ve LOL’d a million times at wonderfully biting irony The Onion has crafted. This week though, they attempted to satirize the very tragic story of the three women in Cleveland freed on Monday from a home they’d been kept prisoners in for a decade. The piece titled “Men Are The Best” was “written by” Ohio kidnapping victims Amanda Berry, Georgina DeJesus, and Michelle Knight, and it had me in tears. Actual tears. From sadness. It starts out like this…

“But based on our experiences over the last 10 years—being kidnapped and locked up against our will by a group of three men who didn’t think twice before physically and emotionally destroying us—the one thing we do know, in fact the only thing we can say with absolute, 100 percent certainty, is that men really are the best.”

I’m a comedy writer. I get dark comedy. I was booed at my aunt’s funeral for not telling jokes. I get satire. I get that this is supposed to be satire. I get it all. There’s certainly a way to write a biting, sarcastic piece about a monster who locked up three teenagers in separate rooms and sexually assaulted them for ten years. And there’s a way to do it without using the actual victims as the mouthpiece. If the point is to be ruthless about the extent of the abuse, couldn’t it be from the POV of the cops, called to investigate the house, twice, who never bothered to check the interior of the house? Or what about all the neighbors who didn’t do anything because they didn’t want to seem “nosy”? I just don’t understand writing from the perspective of the three actual victims and using their actual photos. Their ACTUAL PHOTOS. From when they were teenagers. You know, before they were kidnapped by a sexual predator. Please, someone explain to me why that’s ok, cause I’m not buying the old “because satire” excuse. Outside of using the identities of actual sexual assault victims to execute satire, there’s also this weird gender attack:

“You know those little biological and primal impulses men have that take over their entire psyches and dictate their every action? The ones that they are seemingly powerless to control or deny, even though society is repeatedly pleading with them to? Boy, those are just nothing short of our very favorite things.”

Stripped of irony, isn’t this making the point that all men are the worst? Not child molesters or kidnappers or rapists. Just all dudes, everywhere.

Here’s the other thing I don’t understand. There’s this real thing, called Stockholm Syndrome. I’m not saying that Berry, DeJesus, and Knight suffer from it, I’m just saying it’s a real thing that happens to women in this situation. Jaycee Dugard, who was held captive in a backyard for 18 years, told police that the monster who had kidnapped her was a “great person” and “good with her kids.” Real victims have time and time again defended and sided with their captors, in real life, and that fact makes this sarcastic piece lousy with sad truth. I don’t think The Onion writers meant to make fun of Stockholm Syndrome, but as satirists, not considering all the sensitive issues is irresponsible.

There’s no law that says that comedians get to say or write whatever we want without criticism cause we’re like changing the world or something. We’re not. As far as influencing sweeping social change, our jobs are not that important. Lenny Bruce didn’t end apartheid and Bill Hicks didn’t cure AIDS . We write jokes for a living, and every once in awhile, if we’re lucky, we get someone to say “hum, I never thought of it that way.” And furthermore, at no point, ever, is it our job to put comedy and satire above being decent human beings.

I’m not trying to force The Onion to apologize or incite a flame war on some Disqus platform. I’m writing about this because I think we should talk about it. Talk about how we can make double triple sure that satire is diligent about vilifying the wrongdoer while being careful not to exploit the victim. Or maybe we won’t have a discussion, maybe nothing will change, but maybe after reading all this, one of you will look at comedy and think “hum, I never thought of it that way.” Or maybe you agree with this Onion piece, as is. If that’s the case, let me ask you this. Would you print it out and hand it to Michelle Knight? Would you walk into her hospital room and would you tell her that thanks to her, The Onion has been able to make a trenchant social comment on the evil nature of her kidnapping and rape? Would you sit in the room with her and read this to her…

“Oh, sure, once in awhile they’ll get you pregnant and then lock you in a darkened room for 10 or so years while they viciously beat you until you lose the baby and almost die, but hey, we all have our own little quirks, right?”

And would you look her in the face and say “And they used your real name and face, cause, you know, satire.” (read “Men Are The Best” here)

“Women of L.A” : The Anti-Female Anthem of 2013 

There’s a guy in my neighborhood who dresses like Jesus Christ. He walks around Fountain, in Hollywood, just doin’ his thing -  petting dogs and saying “hi” to everyone. Jesus My Neighbor, and most of the people in L.A., are pretty great.  I’m super lucky to know a lot of smart, kind, weird and wonderful people in the city. And my lady friends are especially fantastic.

But you wouldn’t know that by watching “The Women of L.A.”

“The Women of L.A.” is a music video/story about a guy (DJ Lubel) who moved to LA (from NYC) only to be told by his LA friends that no one gets laid in L.A.

No one.

Why?

Because the women in this city are awful! 

After the expositional introsketch, the song kicks off with a trio of women (including Internet-lebrity Taryn Southern) breaking down exactly why they’re not pulling down their lady pantaloons for guys in L.A.:

Hey you, yes it’s true
We will make your balls blue
We’re the women of LA
We ignore cause you’re poor and you’re not Pauley Shore,
We’re the women of LA
From Westwood to Brentwood
Never would touch your wood

Wrapped in a “Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” homage, DJ enters to address the heart of the issue - that he is rejected by women left and right in Los Angeles because, well, he just doesn’t meet the high standards of the L.A. female population:

This is a story all about how
I moved to Hollywood and get shot down
By girls so hot that you can’t kiss
When your face looks like Andy Dick

The scene is set. Lights, camera, action on:
- Cartoonish women telling us why they’re not having sex with DJ, for shallow reasons I’ve never heard an actual woman (not on a low rate hour long drama) utter.
-  DJ  justifying the use of these stereotypes, by hiding behind self deprecation.

Now that we’ve established that these fictional women, the kind of women who get in cat fights in water troughs on “Dallas”,  are not nice, they’re about to get more not nice. Number one, they do lots of drugs.

Hence all the insults, like, until you’re “paid like Nic Cage, go get laid at Rage” - a gay bar in West Hollywood. 

(DRAG QUEENS)

What’s worse than not being able to rock it with a hot girl? Having to get busy with a gay dude-looks-like-a-lady. Which is a thing because you know how all gay men will have sex with anything cause they’re gay?  Because that’s how gay people work. You just put a butthole in front of them and they’re happy as clams! Gay people are funny cause they’re gay and they do gay things! Jokes! 

It wouldn’t be a true song about Los Angeles if the Valley wasn’t promptly skewered. And not only the Valley, overweight girls who live in the Valley!

This is top shelf pussy

(NOT VALLEY GIRLS)

You should try the Vall-ey

(VALLEY GIRLS)

And the music cuts out completely. Just like a record scratch at a party! You know, like when something UNBELIEVABLE happens! Like overweight girls! Whoa! It’s funny ‘cause they’re not rail thin! Who loves chubby girls? No one! Who saw GIRLS this weekend?! Who read Rex Reed’s IDENTITY THIEF review? POINT PROVEN! Jokes! 

DJ’s complaining that hot girls won’t go to the bone zone with him, but then, he won’t go to the bone zone with chubby girls from the Valley. Can you believe a person could have such a Grand Canyon lack of awareness about what he’s doing? He’s doing the very thing to these Valley girls that he’s complaining is being done to him by the hands of hot girls. What a fun little circle of bullshit!

(WEST HOLLYWOOD GIRLS)

All you need to know about these girls is they love kale juice, Lululemon, and talking about working at CAA. Which all seems like normal women trying to build a career for themselves in L.A. while staying healthy, but we’re quickly reminded that these girls get plenty of $$$ help from their dads! Unlike guys in L.A., who have never spent a dollar of their parents’ money, because guys are men and they do men things, like make money. 

(BEVERLY HILLS GIRLS)

Persians. Too much perfume. Hair. A simple boiling down of a type of woman, a city and a culture, all at once. It’s like magic…but sad and hurtful. 

And for no reason, other than to probably drive views, Jaleel White shows up.

He does an ill placed rap where he almost smashes a TV. Well, he hits it real hard with a bat, but nothing breaks. Perhaps he’s not mad enough about the boots he hasn’t been knockin’?

Question: What’s the best AIDS musical to get a misogynist’s point across? RENT, of course.

Five hundred twenty four hundred six thousand women,
Have rejected me in LA County.
Five hundred twenty four hundred six thousand dollars,
Is what you need to get pussy.

Finally, someone put a number on how much it costs to buy another human being! Or at least, a vagina. 

What has to be the worst scene/lyric in this whole five minute tirade against girls, are these lyrics:

They don’t drink on dates
Cause they’re afraid of DUI
One wine’s not enough
To get between my thighs

First of all, date rape. Secondly, shaming a person for not drinking enough?!  Incredible. Remember earlier when that girl was snorting cocaine? What a loser! Remember just now when that girl wouldn’t drink a lot? What a loser!

I wrote a song, here’s the first part:

It makes me sad this is a thing
I’m a woman in L.A.

Look, I’m sure DJ Lubel didn’t set out to make something misogynistic or anti-women.  

This is what makes it so horrifying. He doesn’t even know what he’s doing. It’s the attitude of “I’m a guy, how dare these women reject me!? “, implying that women are here to serve men, despite how women feel. Which was a fun idea back when it was called “The Donna Reed Show.” And because he is blind to what he is doing, he doesn’t realize the degree to which he is completely dehumanizing women to the point of denying that they have their own wants and desires and thoughts and opinions, all so he can promote a series of LA clichés that were sort of acceptable before 1985. 

DJ, and others who like the video, I believe, think it’s all in good fun.  It’s exactly like when my mom says something hurtful to me, cause she’s passive aggressive and Irish, and then says “Just kidding!” As if “joking around” is an acceptable excuse to act like a total jerk face. 

There’s also a deep river of anger throughout “Women of L.A.”. I get it. Dating is hard. People are mean. It happens to everyone. Last year, I went on about 40 dates, all with guys who were not right for me. I paid for my own meals and my own drinks and I spent a lot of money.  But, I don’t hate the entire male population of Los Angeles because none of those guys worked out - because it’s unfair to use hurt feelings and resentment to attack an entire gender. 

Last year, I met DJ. I was dating his friend (pre-40 dates nightmare). My boyfriend played me this song and I remember saying “oh, this is the worst idea, how could a person write that, etc.” Despite that, I gave DJ a birthday present. Cause he’s a human being, and it was his birthday and I wanted him to have a fun birthday present. Which is why it makes me doubly sad/mad that I am writing this piece. I feel like if it were the 80’s, I would have taken the demo tape and burned it, so this never happened. But, I don’t have a time machine and this didn’t happen in the 80’s and this whole scenario is impossible so I shouldn’t waste everyone’s time with it. But just know, I had the thought.

My point is, I know DJ, and he’s a nice guy. And he deserves to be loved and have a great relationship with a great girl. In the meantime, there’s a lesson to be learned about how to not vilify, demean, degrade and disrespect an entire city of women just because you can’t get your dick wet. 

Pussy’s not a right - it’s a privilege. And if you want it, treat the things wrapped around pussies (women) with respect and dignity.

It’s what Jesus would do. Jesus my neighbor.

(special thanks to Alex Fernie (@ferniecommaalex) and Allison Hord (@hordie))