Showing posts tagged dark shadows
PUBLIC RESPONSES TO PRIVATE MESSAGES: #5 - ARE THOSE FANGS?
Like most men in my life, you’re about to be disappointed. Not only are those my genetically perfect canines, I’m sad to report that I am also a mortal.
Look, it’s not your fault you see vampire traits in normal people. Vampire obsession is ruining our generation, the generation before us, the generation before them, and possibly ruining babies in utero. There’s absolutely no escaping vampire culture… they’re everywhere! Our TV shows, our movies, vampires are even ruining our indie rock (“Hi, we’re Vampire Weekend. We own over four thousand sweater vests and the best way to enjoy our music is to listen to Hot Chip and Peter Gabriel cover it”).
Personally, I’m not attracted to the “vampires” in Twilight, True Blood, or Vampire Diaries, and to be honest with you, seeing set stills of Johnny Depp in “Dark Shadows” makes me want to shut my vagina down for business for good. Until Tom Hardy accepts a role in “Dracula II: Take This Real British Accent, Keanu”, my fantasies will never involve being sucked and fucked by a vampire.
And I know it’s been said before, but these “vampires” aren’t even vampires. Edward in the Twilight series is NOT A VAMPIRE! Sure, he loves blood, but he can go into the sunlight and drives a Volvo! Vampires do not drive Volvos, and certainly not Volvo SUV’s! Those cars are reserved strictly for women, who dress as if they’ll be asked to ride a horse at a moment’s notice, and their children, who learn French before they start kindergarten.
Vampires are supposed to be frightening and monstrous, not weak and sparkly. Calling these characters “vampires” is like slapping a Ronald Reagan mask on a zebra and calling it a centaur.
Also, am I the only one who has a problem with 170 year olds making out with 17 year old girls? Even as a consenting adult, I am not interested in falling in love with someone whose last girlfriend died in the Triangle Shirtwaist factory fire. And just because vampires have centuries of sexual experience, that doesn’t mean they’re good at it. Oral sex for women wasn’t even invented until the 60‘s (according to my grandma).
Look, I appreciate you reaching out. But, if you’re looking for a vampire to love, or someone to talk about your vampire love with, I’m sorry, you’ve got the wrong lady.
But if you want to talk about how hot zombies are, I might know a lady who could be interested ;)
PS. If you are into zombies, meet me in the cemetery so we can fuck dead people together. I’m there every night 2-4AM.
