PUBLIC RESPONSES TO PRIVATE MESSAGES: #5 - ARE THOSE FANGS?

Like most men in my life, you’re about to be disappointed.  Not only are those my genetically perfect canines, I’m sad to report that I am also a mortal.  

Look, it’s not your fault you see vampire traits in normal people. Vampire obsession is ruining our generation, the generation before us, the generation before them, and possibly ruining babies in utero. There’s absolutely no escaping vampire culture… they’re everywhere! Our TV shows, our movies, vampires are even ruining our indie rock (“Hi, we’re Vampire Weekend. We own over four thousand sweater vests and the best way to enjoy our music is to listen to Hot Chip and Peter Gabriel cover it”). 

Personally, I’m not attracted to the “vampires” in Twilight, True Blood, or Vampire Diaries, and to be honest with you, seeing set stills of Johnny Depp in “Dark Shadows” makes me want to shut my vagina down for business for good.  Until Tom Hardy accepts a role in “Dracula II: Take This Real British Accent, Keanu”, my fantasies will never involve being sucked and fucked by a vampire.

And I know it’s been said before, but these “vampires” aren’t even vampires. Edward in the Twilight series is NOT A VAMPIRE! Sure, he loves blood, but he can go into the sunlight and drives a Volvo! Vampires do not drive Volvos, and certainly not Volvo SUV’s! Those cars are reserved strictly for women, who dress as if they’ll be asked to ride a horse at a moment’s notice, and their children, who learn French before they start kindergarten. 

Vampires are supposed to be frightening and monstrous, not weak and sparkly. Calling these characters “vampires” is like slapping a Ronald Reagan mask on a zebra and calling it a centaur. 

Also, am I the only one who has a problem with 170 year olds making out with 17 year old girls? Even as a consenting adult, I am not interested in falling in love with someone whose last girlfriend died in the Triangle Shirtwaist factory fire.  And just because vampires have centuries of sexual experience, that doesn’t mean they’re good at it. Oral sex for women wasn’t even invented until the 60‘s (according to my grandma).

Look, I appreciate you reaching out. But, if you’re looking for a vampire to love, or someone to talk about your vampire love with, I’m sorry, you’ve got the wrong lady. 

But if you want to talk about how hot zombies are, I might know a lady who could be interested ;)

PS. If you are into zombies, meet me in the cemetery so we can fuck dead people together. I’m there every night 2-4AM. 

PUBLIC RESPONSES TO PRIVATE MESSAGES: #4 - CAN I SPOIL YOU?

Oh, wow! Can you spoil me?  I mean, it does sound like an amazing offer. Let’s talk this out. So, the situation would be you, a man, showering, me with affection, buying me whatever I want, possibly going down on me on a regular basis, etc. Maybe you fly me to Paris, make me frittatas for breakfast (I can’t believe you can cook!) then propose to me in front of the Great Pyramid. Oh Jesus, I never even knew they made 20 carat diamonds! I say “yes”! Of course I say “yes”, because this every woman’s dream!  A year after our first date, we’re living in a wonderful house in Cape Cod and I have everything I’ve ever wanted. But slowly, I sober up after realizing I was drunk on being taken care of. I cry while you’re gone because I’ve lost myself. What happened to my career? What happened to my friends? And the worst part of it all, because this relationship with you is based on diamonds and dinners at Per Se, you feel that you are entitled to treat me like an object. 

 When neighbors become worried, I blame the moodiness and yelling on your stressful job as a high powered investment banker. But deep down inside, I know that doesn’t excuse why you hit me when the hand towels are crooked.

 But I’ve put up with enough! I want to live my life again! Who cares if I have to put my car payment on a credit card? It’s better than living with you, a rich control freak,  who one day will not hesitate to slice my neck open with our Gunter Wilhelm paring knife and watch me bleed out on our $10,000 Persian rug … smiling because you know now, no one else will have me. 

While we’re out on our boat one night, I fall overboard during a storm, fake my own death at sea, swim back the house (you didn’t know I could swim, did you!),  flush my wedding ring down the toilet and escape to Iowa. I become a librarian and fall in love with a sweet man who has too much facial hair. 

Sound familiar?  It’s the plot to the Julia Roberts’ opus “Sleeping With the Enemy”  and had it been released in 2012, it would have started with an on-line dating message just like this one. 

While the idea of being a female house pet is embarrassingly tempting to me, even having seen “Sleeping With the Enemy” more times than I care to admit, for my own safety, I’ll pass on your offer.  

New Entertainment Hollywood next Wednesday 8PM at UCB Theater. Get your $5 tickets now before we sell out. 

TOUR POSTER!! Thanks, the very talented Dimitri Simakis!

The Perfect Man