Showing posts tagged Feminist
(Originally posted in 2011)
Have you heard of Ryan Gosling? Of course you have! If you’re not head over heels in love with him, you know a woman between the ages of 12 and 90 who is. I don’t care what People Magazine says, women across the world (and probably universe) have made it pretty clear that when it’s a question of who the sexiest man alive is, Gosling is the only answer. Here’s what makes Gosling the perfect objet d’amour - he’s handsome, he can dance, he can sing, he understands comedy but is not needy about it, he’s a great actor, he can have sex with his eyes, he uses phrases like “I’m shy” and he’s the kind of guy who can seamlessly mix tender kisses with manhandling … or so we hope. It’s fun to think about Ryan Gosling every second of every day. What he’s wearing, what he’s thinking about, how we’re gonna meet him. But these full blown obsessions and infatuations with Ryan Gosling have to stop! It’s not good for us, it’s not good for him and it’s not good for the future of the human race. To be honest with you, pre-“Drive”, I wasn’t even a Gosling fan. I didn’t dislike him, but his work never spoke to me in that deep, heartthrob-y way. Didn’t care to see “The Notebook”. Skipped “Half Nelson” and as far as I’m concerned “Lars and the Real Girl” doesn’t exist. And to be honest with you, I wouldn’t have seen “Drive” if it weren’t for the hot pink cursive titles. Oh, but after looking at his face, listening to him not talk, watching his hands move inside those leather gloves for 100 minutes, I started to understand what all the fuss is about. He drew me in like a hot, well dressed cult leader … if that’s a thing that even exists. I watched “Drive” two more times, thinking “If I help this movie make more money, he’ll make another one just like this and then I’ll always have something important in my life.” I was the worst offender of Gosling obsessed indulgence. At parties, I’d bee-line to a circle of girls, interrupt their conversation with “Guys, Drive! Right?! What?!”, then we’d all talk about his hair and his face and how magically he stares out windows against the LA skyline at dusk. We’d do this for long periods of time while the world went on around us. My reckless disruption of every conversation is another girl’s blog comparing Ryan to puppies…which is another girl’s Etsy store selling crocheted Ryan Gosling iPhone cases … which is another girl’s full sized waterproof cardboard cut out . You know why it’s waterproof. It’s all too much! We’re grown ass woman and we have to control ourselves! We’re expressing our school girl love in a way that is suffocating and not attractive. Has anyone thought how this makes Ryan Gosling feel? No, we haven’t. We’re updating our Facebook status with nonsense about how awesome it would be to make out with Ryan Gosling at a Cut Copy concert and we’re not thinking about how doing that probably creeps him out. What I am afraid of is that he will react in a drastic way to all this sexually charged, desperate attention. And my biggest fear is that we’ll scare him off and he’ll remove himself from the spotlight completely. And none of us want that. Cause then all we have is Timberlake. We’re independent, modern, progressive women! We can’t be spending this much time on Ryan Gosling! We have bills to pay! And vintage jackets to buy! And mixed breed dogs to walk! And most importantly, for the majority of us, men to meet. I’m on an on-line dating site, of which I am SURE Ryan Gosling is not on. But best believe I did find a guy who looked A LOT like Gosling, and if his profile wasn’t a mess - he said his favorite movie is “American Psycho” but doesn’t know who Bret Easton Ellis is - I would have totally messaged him that I was offering free, un-reciprocated bj’s to Internet strangers bearing a striking resemblance to Ryan Gosling. Anyway, on my profile, I list “Drive” as a favorite movie. Someone photo-handsome messaged me, we got to emailing and two emails in he asked me if I knew about fuckyeahryangosling.tumblr.com (I know I’ve mentioned it twice, but please fight the urge to go to this site right now). Until this point, I hadn’t mentioned anything about Ryan Gosling except for listing “Drive” in a list with other movies. A list which also includes “Ghostbusters” and “Secretary”, two other conversation starters. So, he pretty much brought up Ryan Gosling out of nowhere. Because….us ladies have been pushing our Gosling agenda so hard, guys are using him as a dating tool! Guys now think that if they show us they’re cool with Ryan Gosling, they like, get us. But I don’t want that! I want to talk to guys about the 2012 election or “Parks and Rec” not how awesome Ryan Gosling played the ukulele on Jimmy Kimmel… which he did…but I don’t want to talk about that with someone who I might wanna get naked with. Ladies, let’s take a breath. Let’s block some websites, maybe take a photography class. We have to do something before we cause any more damage. It’s gonna be hard, but let’s leave Ryan Gosling alone. For our future. **This article is dedicated to Ryan Gosling.
I wrote a song for you:
"Skinny fat" is not a word
It’s not a thing
It never will be
If you want me at your gym
You’ll drop your ad agency and your price-es
You can sing it to any tune you like. As long as you’re doing it while you have a dick in your mouth. Because I would like for you to eat a dick for talking to women like this.
Thank you and God bless,
Feminst, Comedian, Jump Rope Champion
Beauty products use science and technology to keep ladies looking super fuckable.