Some ways I may accidently die
We’ve all thought about it, right? Here’s my top 5:
- I wear a lot of scarfs. One day I light the stove for a pot of tea, my scarf catches fire, I burn alive. When they find me, I am a pile of ashes flanked by two completely untouched boots.
- I am texting in the car. I hit a light pole. I press “Send” before I die. The message is “Stop being a faggot and tell me what showing of Sherlock Holmes to buy tickets for”.
- I choke to death while talking and eating. No one knows I am dying because I use my hands a lot anyway to make points and I often just make noises to be funny.
- A robber enters my apartment. He tells me to “be cool” but then when he’s almost done looting the place he reaches for my iPhone. I freak out that I’ve not synced the data in over a month (not that it matters anyway, he has my laptop and all my drives that backup said laptop). I wonder to myself “How the fuck am I gonna get all those addresses? What about that lady I met with at Sony? What about my high school boyfriend’s email? I need those things.” I kick him in the face. He goes down, I grab his .45, I cock it (I am from Texas, I know how to use a gun). Suddenly, I collapse from a ruptured aneurysm. My family is susceptible to them. I die as the criminal plays DoodleJump.
