Erin Gibson, Shit ladies need for their face

Shit ladies need for their face

In college I worked for the antiquated makeup giant Estée Lauder. I learned a lot about makeup. I also learned a lot about how to fight with other makeup ladies and how to force a customer to sign up for a 22% APR department store credit card.

Because I got free Estee Lauder products and a hefty discount at the other counters, I used to have so much makeup it was impossible for me to make decisions about what colors to slap onto my face. But now, I’ve stopped feeding my low self esteem with MAC eyeshadows and have what I believe to be the perfect set of products.

I’ll share them with you. Because I am a nice person and also because I am sick today, I may have the Swine flu, and if I die, I feel like this information must be available to ladies (or gay men, but honestly, who am I kidding - you already know about this stuff).

ARMANI LUMINOUS SILK FOUNDATION

I think this foundation has magical properties and I would drink it if you told me it would let me live forever. I love it so much I may drink it anyway.

BOBBI BROWN EYE BRIGHTENER

I use this motherfucker as a concealer cause I make my own rules (that are based on advice from a professional)! It does not sit in my creases (wrinkles) like every single other concealer, so you know, that also makes it awesome. Also, I do not have wrinkles.

BENEFIT EYE BRIGHT

Two eye brighteners? SHUT THE FUCK UP. I KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT. And yes, two eye brighteners. One is a concealer, one is a pencil for the special part of your eye where sadness come out. You’re eyes can never be too bright. Never. Ever.

NARS EYE SHADOW

Bobbi Brown used to be my number one eye shadow choice, until she literally fucked my world by putting too much shimmer in her shades. BOBBI BROWN, I am not a fairy! I am a lady who needs to look good at the bank! So I went looking for something else and I found Nars. The Nars Matte shadows have the most appropriate amount of shimmer ever put into anything in the history of the world (yeah I know, a shimmery matte?, that doesn’t make sense, deal with it - the world doesn’t make sense). Do not buy the pairs! Never buy the pairs! It’s a scheme. You get more shadow with the singles and you can make a statement that says “I tell me what two colors are right for my eyelids, not you! You’re not the boss of me Nars!”.

LANCÔME DÉFINICILS MASCARA

It’s a shame Lancôme. You’re fake-pretension-naming tenancies and your overuse of accent aigu’s and accent grave’s almost kept me from buying this. “Définicils” is not a real word. It’s like “Häagen-Dazs”. None the less, this mascara is the bomb. If there’s no way you can forgive these naming issues, you can also try Bobbi Brown’s Everything Mascara. Don’t worry, no shimmer.

BOBBI BROWN BLUSH

The color is Peony. It looks bright because it is. DON’T BE AFRAID. Unless you’re afraid of having perfectly color kissed cheeks, cheeks that look like someone just made sweet love to them. Then be afraid. But still buy this.

KIEHL’s LIP BALM

I hate lipstick. Lipstick requires so much and gives so little. You have to reapply it, not everyone wears the right color, it bleeds, it gets on your teeth, melts in your car, sucks the moisture out of your lips, makes you look like you’re trying too hard. No thank you. Which is why I love this lip balm. It’s moisturizing and shiny! And if you want some color, rub a little good ol’ fashioned lip liner over your lips after applying. You can do it drunk and you still won’t mess it up. GENUIS!

Enjoy your perfect face!

October 28, 2009

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