Did you know a large number of women are posting the process of taking pregnancy tests on YouTube? I found one made by my idiot cousin, Denise.
Bryan and I are coming to a school near you!
We’re all sad that Oprah left our afternoons empty and cold and hopeless and depressing and lacking joy. But the good news is that there are tons of people who are perfectly capable replacements for the Queen of Daytime.
Powerful Politicians and their Wayard Weiners
Head of the International Monetary Fund, Dominique Strauss-Kahn allegedly attacked and sexually assaulted a hotel maid.
Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted to fathering a son with his housekeeper.
Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi is infamous for his highly sexual bunga bunga parties.
Why do men who run the world need so much sex?
Well, I know the answer. And when I tell you what it is, it’s going to shock you. Like really, you’re not going to believe it.
Male politicians can’t make policy and bills and do things that make this world great if they are full of semen. It’s a scientific fact. That’s right, science.
There have been millions** of scientific studies that show that, when full of ejaculate, male politicians simply can’t do their jobs effectively, and sometimes not at all. They’re so affected by their nuts being full of DNA juice, they can’t think, talk, and they definitely can’t be an upstanding, respectful, normal human being.
Sure lots of people have this problem. The scientific term for it is “horniness” and being full of jizz (lady or man) makes it hard for people to function. But politicians have it worse. Studies have shown*** that the genetic code that draws men to public service and policy making also causes these men to have hyper-sensitive ball sacks. When their man gourds are filled with baby batter, they react in a more extreme way then let’s say, a plumber or a bank teller.
And for high level politicians, jerking off under a mahogany desk every three hours gets old. Which is why those politicians need to find disposable ladies. Ladies who they don’t respect, ladies who they can throw away like an old newspaper, ladies who “shhhhh”…..won’t say a thing, ladies whose sole purpose of being with these politicians is to serve as their handy dandy fuck holes, ladies who can extract that political man milk, so these important, powerful men can do the important work that lets us live great lives.
You know those roads you enjoy? How about the beautiful parks your children play in? How about the RUNNING WATER IN YOUR HOME? None of that could have happened if politicians weren’t plopping their man jam all over women.
Do you think that we would have pulled out of a recession in the 90’s were it not for Bill Clinton giving Monica Lewinsky ye olde “cock in mouth” treatment?
And what about Civil Rights? That would have NEVER happened had JFK not filled Marylin Monroe with his Kennedy creme.
THE FUTURE OF THE WORLD DEPENDS ON THESE GUYS GETTING EVERYTHING THEY WANT SEXUALLY!!!!
Think about it. Where would we be today if Thomas Jefferson and George Washington hadn’t been able to sign the Declaration of Independence? A document they had the clear headedness to deal with because they had just jerked off into the mouths of a bunch of slaves.
So ladies, find your nearest straight, male politician, look him square in the face, and tell him “I know what you go through, sir, and that’s why I’m here to spread my legs****. For my country.”
** there have been zero studies
*** nope, no studies. i made this up.
**** or your butt or your mouth or your fleshlight
Beauty products use science and technology to keep ladies looking super fuckable.
I met my friend Elisa Kreisinger for cupcakes and lady talk. This is what happened on the way to Billy’s cupcakes.
I took a pole dancing class. It did not go well.
Me+ Ed Crasnick + Alie & Georgia = Fun way to spend last Tuesday
Last Tuesday I had the pleasure of joining uber talent Ed Crasnick on his show, along with the funny, gorgeous and smart Alie and Georgia, of Drinks with Alie and Georgia and inventors of the McNuggetini.
Check it out and decide for yourself if I’m more entertaining when I’m wearing my glasses.
LINKS
Apple to the face
I seriously considered taking the apple I was eating from my mouth and throwing it out my office door as a co-worker walked by.
If I did it, which I didn’t, I think I know what would happen:
He would be pissed and confused. And I would be laughing, because I’d be so delighted that I actually did it. Which would be uncomfortable. And I like uncomfortable situations.
Since I’m a quick thinker, on account of growing up poor, I’d say to him that I was aiming for the trashcan and missed, and then I’d have to hope that he wouldn’t ask why I throw apples away with such brute force.
He’d still be mad and confused all the way home. And at dinner, he’d tell his girlfriend or mom or boyfriend the story. And no one would believe him! Cause it’s unbelievable…. a co-worker hurling fruit at your face from the comfort of her ergonomic chair. And everyone would want to hear about what an awful person I am and why I would do something like that, and he’d start in on me and what an awful person I am outside of this incident. How I talk on the phone too loud and watch PS22 sing “”Pictures of You” over and over again, crying loudly every time they sang the lyric “There was nothing in the world that I ever wanted more, than to feel you deep in my heart”, and how I yell “GODDAMNIT” everyday at 4:38 because the sun starts to set and blinds me while I stare into my computer but I never do anything about it.
And they’d have a real lively conversation. And they’d feel alive.
And it would all be because of me! …. and my lack of impulse control….and because I’m kind of a jerk.
However you want to look at it, I get the credit.
