@P_Gardner Which Baldwin brother defines you as a person?I’d have to say Billy Baldwin. His resting face is how I look when disorientated from a nap or really drunk, so I assume we have everything else in common… including our love of vintage bird paintings and Trader Joe’s garlic hummus dip.
@HouseofGlib At what point does a person risk becoming too awesome?
Trick question! One can never be “too awesome”!
@Syd If you got a sex change would you go by “Aaron?”
According to 95% of strangers who put my name on things, I already do go by “Aaron”. But I do think it would be cool to have a dick. For the pay increase.
@CavyKing12 I just started a stand-up comedy club at my college, what are the best ways to get more members?
Offer free pot and beer. People who like comedy like those things too.
@vipstrippers What’s the easiest way to get in your pants, cheaply? thanks!
You can dig through a bag in my apartment destined for Goodwill. There are tons of old corduroys in there. And that would cost you nothing.
But, if you’re asking how you can fuck me for cheap, I will fuck anyone who gives me $60,000. If that’s cheap to you, then @ reply me.
@linnzo What’s wrong with my car?
Sounds like your car may have a case of “being old”. If it’s new, it may have a case of “not a good car”. Either way, I predict this will cost you money, that you might have now or that you might have to borrow from future you.
@ReverendSarah If I hooked up w/a guy i like & he says he dosent remember much, can I ask if were still on for the date he (never) asked me on
Oh no. You must ignore this person. Then tell everyone you know that his dick feels like rock candy and tastes like asphalt.
@ihatebillw R U single, dating, married or a lesbian. If u r straight, what do u look for in a guy?
I kissed a stripper 7 years ago, so I’m fairly certain that makes me a full on lesbian, even though I only date guys. I like guys I date to be funny and be able to catapult me in the air with his feet, like my sister used to do when we were kids. And got along.
@michaeljonfoley I’m friends with @barvonblaq so does that mean we are friends by extension?
We’re “Internet friends”. That’s different than “friends by extension”. “Friends by extension” means we became friends during the long procedure of having hair extensions put in.
@dukestangry Why is soup?
Soup is the perfect meal. Low fat, simple to heat up and if you’re being attacked, throw it on the attacker. It is very off putting.
@kimmi_cub what did you think of the ruling of the wal-mart case?
Disgusted and not surprised. I can’t make any jokes about this because I’m legitimately very angry about it.
@rmatteis1 Did you secretly buy the sexy army soldier costume from your Modern Lady Halloween segment?
No. You couldn’t see this in the piece, but it did not zip. Also, standard sized Halloween costumes are too short for my large body, and therefore give me very uncomfortable camel toe.
If you want to watch the segment @rmatteis1 is talking about, click here.
@rowdyEthan what question should I ask you next week?
Oh, I love questions about makeup. I assume by your twitter handle that you are bursting with questions about cosmetics.
@rizzo_brian gibblertron If you could taxidermy any animal what would it be?
An owl. I’d want to keep it on a shelf near the foot of my bed so that it would stare at me as I fell asleep and startle me when I wake up.