In response to Virginia Senator Steve Martin’s Remarks about reproductive rights, I dove into my collection of Victorian etiquette books to find more information on the proper way to host a fetus. This is an excerpt from Lady Trufoil Von Avon’s Victorian etiquette book, “Deportment in Refined Society: Etiquette and Manners of a True Lady.”
There is no matter more delicate, nor provocative, than a hostess’ decision to host a fetus - after all, it is the purpose of her existence, and such matters must not be handled with frivolity!
Everything must be considered, from the social standing of the hostess, to her general spirits, to her ability to succor and coddle the guest once it has emerged from her uterine front door.
Should a hostess determine that the accommodation of a fetus is a pragmatic impossibility, she must let the fetus know at once! It is considered unseemly, gauche and in some cases, criminal to do otherwise.
However, if a fetus presents itself unannounced, and without a letter of recommendation or title, it is perfectly admissible to declare it unwelcome - in which case a servant may see it out. One must never personally handle the removal of a fetus, as it is improper, even by Continental standards.
Should one make the bold and admirable decision to host a fetus, she must first ensure that meals of the best quality and erudite conversation are both abundant, and easily accessed. As always, refrain from discussing politics or religion, as it is in poor taste to mention polarizing topics, ever.
Well, I guess you can’t argue with the rules of a civilized society. Feathery, grandiose hats off to you, Lady Trufoil.
Breeze past any lady magazine and you’ll see that female celebrities are chopping off their high-maintenance locks by the dozens. While most of us fall into the “don’t give a crap” camp, one man in particular has been so deeply affected by the trend, he took key to Internet and did the unthinkable - he penned a tirade on TotalFratMove.com, titled “Why Girls Should Not Cut Their Hair Short." The piece is written by Roger Sterling Jr. - not John Slattery or Matthew Weiner - but a nom de plume for another person who is too brave to give his actual name. In his article, (fake) Roger Sterling Jr. breaks down his very specific reasons why girls should think twice before handing a photo of Michelle Williams to a hair care professional and saying "me have that." (I’ll discuss in detail, but if you want a spoiler, it’s because all the boners will dry up, forcing all the surviving boners out of Boner Town, leaving nothing but abandoned boner husks and tumbleweeds) (impostor) Roger Sterling Jr. starts off his opus with a little history on how all men were raised to get boners:
"None of us grew up looking at or imagining ourselves with women rocking a solid scissor fade. Still, over the past couple of years, there has been a disturbing trend spreading across gender lines: pixie cut"
So many hot women are cutting off their boner power centers - Michelle Williams, Carey Mulligan, Beyonce, who, let’s be honest, just showed us what her hair looks like under her millions of wigs, Charlize Theron, (or as my aunt Cathy calls her “Charlyne Theron”), Halle Berry, Miley Cyrus, Sienna Miller, Natalie Portman, and, the woman who I believe put the final nail in the pixie cut boner killing coffin, Jennifer Lawrence. (phony) Roger Sterling Jr. lists three reasons why short haircuts are a bad idea (again, it does have to do with the supply and demand of boners - bonernomics, if you will).
If Celebrities Can’t Pull it Off, You Can’t
You might look at Rihanna and think That’s edgy. That’s worth aiming for, but she also rocks the “I just got punched by my boyfriend” look, so her judgment is questionable at best.
You know, I’ve been waiting so long for someone to make a domestic abuse joke about Rihanna! It took a man on a crusade against short hair to have the guts to finally say it - a hilarious joke about a woman who was hit by her boyfriend. Hahahaha! Eat a dick, Jonathan Swift - this is how you do hilarious and meaningful social commentary! Also, just playing devil’s haircut here, but I would say these celebrities might actually be pulling it off. It’s common knowledge that Hollywood is fueled by boners, and the fact that these ladies are still allowed in Hollywood speaks to their “pulling it off” abilities. And, as far as “pulling it off” with younger boners, as far as high school aged boys are concerned, I bet I could go to the Beverly Center and find four hundred 11-15 year old boys at Finish Line who have jerked off to short-haired Emma Watson. I don’t want to, but I could. (fraudulent) Roger Sterling, Jr. goes on to say:
For pixie cuts, the “But celebs are doing it!” logic doesn’t even apply. Watch Anne Hathaway in The Dark Knight Rises and compare it to her acceptance of the award for Les Mis with a haircut you’d drunkenly give a pledge.
I will say this, that Oscar speech was worse than being awoken from a Christian Bale sex dream by Freddie Kreuger nails on a chalkboard. It’s a perfect example of how talented and emotionally exhausting theater kids can be, but let’s be civilized and leave the haircut out of this. I’m pretty sure Hathaway has been wearing her heart on her sleeve ever since her junior high production of “Our Town.” Furthermore, his point raises another question, which is, why are frat dudes giving freshmen the haircut of a dying tuberculous ridden prostitute mother? What happened to the time-honored fraternity traditions of making guys drink Dixie cups full of indistinguishable bodily fluids? If these celebrities can’t elicit boners from frat dudes jerking off to them while browsing incognito, (double pretend) Roger Sterling Jr. says “normal ladies, you don’t even stand a chance.” If you’re still willing to cut your hair short after (sham) Roger Sterling Jr.’s super clear first point, perhaps you will think again (again), when he explains that it will make you - gasp - different.
You Will Stand Out, But Not in a Good Way
There are certain things about girls that a guy only notices if they are spectacular or spectacularly awful. Tits, ass, legs, and a couple other things stand out regardless, but a girl’s eyes are only worth noting if they look photoshopped in real life or if they are hanging out of their sockets.
To be clear, what he’s saying is that he only notices eyes if they’ve been rasterized and given a Gaussian blur, or if your eyes are hangin’ out of your dead body -the only two acceptable states for attention grabbing eyes. (charlatan) Roger Sterling Jr. says the same logic applies to hair.
… where outside of blonde, brunette, and easy, the male population will give a collective shrug in regard to her having curled it, straightened it, pulled it up, or having done whatever else she spends an hour and a half doing before she goes out. We only notice the length when it happens to rival our own.
He brings up an interesting problem for a large population of straight frat dudes, and that’s the inability to stop questioning the amount of gayness inside them. Let’s say (imitation) Roger Sterling Jr. is doing a girl doggystyle - a girl with short hair - let’s say Adriana Lima with a 1997 Lilith Fair pixie cut. He might be thinking something along the lines of “I’m clearly putting my dick in a hot, sexy, pussy - but what if I’m not? What if I’m putting my dick in a man butt? Is this a man butt? Is this a man? Oh no! Am I gay? What if I’m gay? No, way, I’m not gay. I fuck girls and this is a girl. But that hair is making my brain confused!!! Why is being homophobic fucking up my sex life?” His last point, and I think (masquerader) Roger Sterling Jr.’s strongest point, is that it will make you ugly.
They Amplify Your Flaws To Other Girls
All of those odd insecurities you have about your looks are only highlighted with short hair. If you have bad teeth or some other sort of imperfection, with short hair, you’re putting it front and center. Even if you don’t have a glaring flaw, there’s one thing of which I’m sure: your face is going to look fat. Need further proof? Look at that picture of ole Jennifer Lawrence above and remember that she looked fine before.
Now, I have to say, I agree with him and I think this works for both sexes. I am never attracted to guys with short hair, because it makes their faces so fat and ugly, without exception, and I can see their teeth and their unkempt eyebrows and their gross male noses. It’s fucking disgusting and a real lady boner killer. Take Taylor Kitsch - used to get a full lady boner for him when he had his “John Carter” hair, but he buzzed all his sex off and now, when I look at his newly exposed, decrepit face, it’s like I’m living through the Kings of Leon makeover all over again. It’s hard for me. Not many dudes rock Highlander hair these days, so I keep a Rasta wig on hand to pop on the heads of guys so I can stomach the sight of them. And (hoax) Roger Sterling Jr., if you want to use that hot tip, go for it, just don’t tell the old lady at the Halloween Adventure what you’re using it for. She gets upset. Now, I know a lot of women have had a problem with (bogus) Roger Sterling Jr.’s piece, and not because it’s clearly a first draft. To those ladies who got upset, don’t worry! I wasn’t aware of an election where (forged) Roger Sterling Jr. was elected king of all men. Furthermore, there are lots of men who give zero fucks about hair length. Remember Kanye West’s ex, nearly bald, walking sex, Amber Rose? And let’s not forget Frank Sinatra’s nearly lifetime love affair with Mia Farrow. I’d say Sinatra is probably the expert on what’s fuckable, considering he’s banged more chicks than Wilt Chamberlain. Sinatra laid more semen than a wild Atlantic salmon. In 100 years, people won’t all trace their ancestry back to Genghis Khan - they’ll trace it back to Frank Sinatra…a guy who loved to get sexy with short haired women. Having had a haircut that would make Grace Jones jealous, and in the spirit of being fair and balanced, I’d like to discuss the amazing things about having short hair, in particular, the points that speak to fuckability. Now, keep in mind, this is from my perspective, a girl’s, so you know, it’s coming from a weaker place, but let’s all pretend that I have equal standing for these next few paragraphs.
Why Women Should Cut Their Hair Short by Peggy Olson
#1 Having a girlfriend/fuck buddy with shorter hair means she has an extra forty minutes a day because she’s not having to dry her hair. That’s forty extra minutes for sex, and that’s pure math, so you can’t really argue with that.
#2 I would say this is the best argument I have in favor of girls with short hair - all that hair doesn’t get in the way of getting your dick sucked. She’s not having to periodically stop to pull pounds of wet hair out her mouth and you get a front row ticket to the dick show. Everyone wins! And I’d say I just closed on short hair forever.
Writer to writer, (not) Roger Sterling Jr., whatever you’re working on next, something on why BBQ sauce makes a great lubricant or how to steal money from the homeless, think about writing about personal opinions and experiences. An article about why your boner goes on vacation when you see short lady hair is actually interesting, diving into why you were raised to have an erection when you see long hair, furiously masturbating when you see old Crystal Gayle albums or girls at Sci-Fi conventions, etc. That’s a good story! But a bossy ass tirade shaming women so they’ll do things your way makes you seem like a dude with a lot of baggage, confidence problems, and I hate to say it, I bet you don’t wipe your butt that well. And do a little research. In the case of this article, you might have found out that thanks to DNA and being raised in a myriad of environments, guys don’t all like the same thing. I have a friend who LOVES to fuck feet. You probably wouldn’t appreciate it if he wrote an article that said all guys like to fuck feet, because that’s uninformed and pretty rude. Moving forward, I’m happy to find millions of long haired celebrities/porn actresses on the Internet that you can jerk off to through the zipper hole of your J Crew pleated khakis. You can stay busy reinforcing your heterosexuality without being a judgmental nameless dick to the young Helen Mirrens of the world.
Sympathy, Not Sarcasm: A Response to The Onion's Cleveland Kidnapping Victim Piece
The Onion is masterful at satire. I’ve LOL’d a million times at wonderfully biting irony The Onion has crafted. This week though, they attempted to satirize the very tragic story of the three women in Cleveland freed on Monday from a home they’d been kept prisoners in for a decade. The piece titled “Men Are The Best” was “written by” Ohio kidnapping victims Amanda Berry, Georgina DeJesus, and Michelle Knight, and it had me in tears. Actual tears. From sadness. It starts out like this…
"But based on our experiences over the last 10 years—being kidnapped and locked up against our will by a group of three men who didn’t think twice before physically and emotionally destroying us—the one thing we do know, in fact the only thing we can say with absolute, 100 percent certainty, is that men really are the best."
I’m a comedy writer. I get dark comedy. I was booed at my aunt’s funeral for not telling jokes. I get satire. I get that this is supposed to be satire. I get it all. There’s certainly a way to write a biting, sarcastic piece about a monster who locked up three teenagers in separate rooms and sexually assaulted them for ten years. And there’s a way to do it without using the actual victims as the mouthpiece. If the point is to be ruthless about the extent of the abuse, couldn’t it be from the POV of the cops, called to investigate the house, twice, who never bothered to check the interior of the house? Or what about all the neighbors who didn’t do anything because they didn’t want to seem “nosy”? I just don’t understand writing from the perspective of the three actual victims and using their actual photos. Their ACTUAL PHOTOS. From when they were teenagers. You know, before they were kidnapped by a sexual predator. Please, someone explain to me why that’s ok, cause I’m not buying the old “because satire” excuse. Outside of using the identities of actual sexual assault victims to execute satire, there’s also this weird gender attack:
"You know those little biological and primal impulses men have that take over their entire psyches and dictate their every action? The ones that they are seemingly powerless to control or deny, even though society is repeatedly pleading with them to? Boy, those are just nothing short of our very favorite things."
Stripped of irony, isn’t this making the point that all men are the worst? Not child molesters or kidnappers or rapists. Just all dudes, everywhere.
Here’s the other thing I don’t understand. There’s this real thing, called Stockholm Syndrome. I’m not saying that Berry, DeJesus, and Knight suffer from it, I’m just saying it’s a real thing that happens to women in this situation. Jaycee Dugard, who was held captive in a backyard for 18 years, told police that the monster who had kidnapped her was a “great person” and “good with her kids.” Real victims have time and time again defended and sided with their captors, in real life, and that fact makes this sarcastic piece lousy with sad truth. I don’t think The Onion writers meant to make fun of Stockholm Syndrome, but as satirists, not considering all the sensitive issues is irresponsible.
There’s no law that says that comedians get to say or write whatever we want without criticism cause we’re like changing the world or something. We’re not. As far as influencing sweeping social change, our jobs are not that important. Lenny Bruce didn’t end apartheid and Bill Hicks didn’t cure AIDS . We write jokes for a living, and every once in awhile, if we’re lucky, we get someone to say “hum, I never thought of it that way.” And furthermore, at no point, ever, is it our job to put comedy and satire above being decent human beings.
I’m not trying to force The Onion to apologize or incite a flame war on some Disqus platform. I’m writing about this because I think we should talk about it. Talk about how we can make double triple sure that satire is diligent about vilifying the wrongdoer while being careful not to exploit the victim. Or maybe we won’t have a discussion, maybe nothing will change, but maybe after reading all this, one of you will look at comedy and think “hum, I never thought of it that way.” Or maybe you agree with this Onion piece, as is. If that’s the case, let me ask you this. Would you print it out and hand it to Michelle Knight? Would you walk into her hospital room and would you tell her that thanks to her, The Onion has been able to make a trenchant social comment on the evil nature of her kidnapping and rape? Would you sit in the room with her and read this to her…
"Oh, sure, once in awhile they’ll get you pregnant and then lock you in a darkened room for 10 or so years while they viciously beat you until you lose the baby and almost die, but hey, we all have our own little quirks, right?"
And would you look her in the face and say “And they used your real name and face, cause, you know, satire.” (read “Men Are The Best” here)
We’re living for this week! NBA Free Agent Jason Collins became the first active male athlete to come out the locker room! Erin and Bryan also discuss the CBS Houston blogger who started a firestorm with her blog “Is This Girl Too “Chunky” to Be an OKC Thunder Cheerleader?” about not chunky Kelsey Williams. And a huge congratulations to Sarah and Timothy! They’re getting married!!
Where have you been? All my lyeyeyeife?
Come shade with us in Philly, Portland, San Fran Seattle, Minneapolis & Chicago - buy tickets here
Erin and Bryan send their heartfelt thoughts to Bostonians before they get into ‘ssues - Nike promises to make endorsements rain on gay athletes, Pam Stenzel abstinence teaches the wrong West Virginia teens, Coachella and Liza Minnelli.
Tonight, we are tongue.
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It’s MaxFun Drive It’s MaxFun Drive Time! Bryan talks GOP gay kids and Erin reads Susan Patton’s letter to the Daily Princetonian. Shade is shared and glared. Mr. Milan Paris and Marilyn Monroe’s daughter would love it if you could find it in your hearts to donate whatever you can to help keep Throwing Shade going for another year!
Back from the brink of death, Bryan and Erin saddle up for an entire rodeo of ‘ssues! With chitty chat on Republicans for gay marriage, Yahoo!’s not-so-work-from-home mom’s, and post-Oscar throwing shade with Totally Laime’s Elizabeth Laime.
What Happens After You Post Criticisms About Stuff You Think Is Not Cool
First of all, an outpouring of support! Thank you for retweeting and sharing with friends. All the positive feedback made dealing with the downside of writing a piece like a little easier to take.
The tweets below are just a teeny little taste of what I got today, which is typically what happens when someone tries to shine light on a problem that lots of people don’t think is a problem (see the avalanche of nasty stuff Anita Sarkeesian experienced when she tried to raise money to make a documentary about how women are depicted in video games)
I thought I was pretty kind in my critique of the video.
There’s a guy in my neighborhood who dresses like Jesus Christ. He walks around Fountain, in Hollywood, just doin’ his thing - petting dogs and saying “hi” to everyone. Jesus My Neighbor, and most of the people in L.A., are pretty great. I’m super lucky to know a lot of smart, kind, weird and wonderful people in the city. And my lady friends are especially fantastic.
But you wouldn’t know that by watching “The Women of L.A.”
“The Women of L.A.” is a music video/story about a guy (DJ Lubel) who moved to LA (from NYC) only to be told by his LA friends that no one gets laid in L.A.
Because the women in this city are awful!
After the expositional introsketch, the song kicks off with a trio of women (including Internet-lebrity Taryn Southern) breaking down exactly why they’re not pulling down their lady pantaloons for guys in L.A.:
Hey you, yes it’s true We will make your balls blue We’re the women of LA We ignore cause you’re poor and you’re not Pauley Shore, We’re the women of LA From Westwood to Brentwood Never would touch your wood
Wrapped in a “Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” homage, DJ enters to address the heart of the issue - that he is rejected by women left and right in Los Angeles because, well, he just doesn’t meet the high standards of the L.A. female population:
This is a story all about how I moved to Hollywood and get shot down By girls so hot that you can’t kiss When your face looks like Andy Dick
The scene is set. Lights, camera, action on: - Cartoonish women telling us why they’re not having sex with DJ, for shallow reasons I’ve never heard an actual woman (not on a low rate hour long drama) utter. - DJ justifying the use of these stereotypes, by hiding behind self deprecation.
Now that we’ve established that these fictional women, the kind of women who get in cat fights in water troughs on “Dallas”, are not nice, they’re about to get more not nice. Number one, they do lots of drugs.
Hence all the insults, like, until you’re “paid like Nic Cage, go get laid at Rage” - a gay bar in West Hollywood.
What’s worse than not being able to rock it with a hot girl? Having to get busy with a gay dude-looks-like-a-lady. Which is a thing because you know how all gay men will have sex with anything cause they’re gay? Because that’s how gay people work. You just put a butthole in front of them and they’re happy as clams! Gay people are funny cause they’re gay and they do gay things! Jokes!
It wouldn’t be a true song about Los Angeles if the Valley wasn’t promptly skewered. And not only the Valley, overweight girls who live in the Valley!
This is top shelf pussy
(NOT VALLEY GIRLS)
You should try the Vall-ey
And the music cuts out completely. Just like a record scratch at a party! You know, like when something UNBELIEVABLE happens! Like overweight girls! Whoa! It’s funny ‘cause they’re not rail thin! Who loves chubby girls? No one! Who saw GIRLS this weekend?! Who read Rex Reed’s IDENTITY THIEF review? POINT PROVEN! Jokes!
DJ’s complaining that hot girls won’t go to the bone zone with him, but then, he won’t go to the bone zone with chubby girls from the Valley. Can you believe a person could have such a Grand Canyon lack of awareness about what he’s doing? He’s doing the very thing to these Valley girls that he’s complaining is being done to him by the hands of hot girls. What a fun little circle of bullshit!
(WEST HOLLYWOOD GIRLS)
All you need to know about these girls is they love kale juice, Lululemon, and talking about working at CAA. Which all seems like normal women trying to build a career for themselves in L.A. while staying healthy, but we’re quickly reminded that these girls get plenty of $$$ help from their dads! Unlike guys in L.A., who have never spent a dollar of their parents’ money, because guys are men and they do men things, like make money.
(BEVERLY HILLS GIRLS)
Persians. Too much perfume. Hair. A simple boiling down of a type of woman, a city and a culture, all at once. It’s like magic…but sad and hurtful.
And for no reason, other than to probably drive views, Jaleel White shows up.
He does an ill placed rap where he almost smashes a TV. Well, he hits it real hard with a bat, but nothing breaks. Perhaps he’s not mad enough about the boots he hasn’t been knockin’?
Question: What’s the best AIDS musical to get a misogynist’s point across? RENT, of course.
Five hundred twenty four hundred six thousand women, Have rejected me in LA County. Five hundred twenty four hundred six thousand dollars, Is what you need to get pussy.
Finally, someone put a number on how much it costs to buy another human being! Or at least, a vagina.
What has to be the worst scene/lyric in this whole five minute tirade against girls, are these lyrics:
They don’t drink on dates Cause they’re afraid of DUI One wine’s not enough To get between my thighs
First of all, date rape. Secondly, shaming a person for not drinking enough?! Incredible. Remember earlier when that girl was snorting cocaine? What a loser! Remember just now when that girl wouldn’t drink a lot? What a loser!
I wrote a song, here’s the first part:
It makes me sad this is a thing I’m a woman in L.A.
Look, I’m sure DJ Lubel didn’t set out to make something misogynistic or anti-women.
This is what makes it so horrifying. He doesn’t even know what he’s doing. It’s the attitude of “I’m a guy, how dare these women reject me!? “, implying that women are here to serve men, despite how women feel. Which was a fun idea back when it was called “The Donna Reed Show.” And because he is blind to what he is doing, he doesn’t realize the degree to which he is completely dehumanizing women to the point of denying that they have their own wants and desires and thoughts and opinions, all so he can promote a series of LA clichés that were sort of acceptable before 1985.
DJ, and others who like the video, I believe, think it’s all in good fun. It’s exactly like when my mom says something hurtful to me, cause she’s passive aggressive and Irish, and then says “Just kidding!” As if “joking around” is an acceptable excuse to act like a total jerk face.
There’s also a deep river of anger throughout “Women of L.A.”. I get it. Dating is hard. People are mean. It happens to everyone. Last year, I went on about 40 dates, all with guys who were not right for me. I paid for my own meals and my own drinks and I spent a lot of money. But, I don’t hate the entire male population of Los Angeles because none of those guys worked out - because it’s unfair to use hurt feelings and resentment to attack an entire gender.
Last year, I met DJ. I was dating his friend (pre-40 dates nightmare). My boyfriend played me this song and I remember saying “oh, this is the worst idea, how could a person write that, etc.” Despite that, I gave DJ a birthday present. Cause he’s a human being, and it was his birthday and I wanted him to have a fun birthday present. Which is why it makes me doubly sad/mad that I am writing this piece. I feel like if it were the 80’s, I would have taken the demo tape and burned it, so this never happened. But, I don’t have a time machine and this didn’t happen in the 80’s and this whole scenario is impossible so I shouldn’t waste everyone’s time with it. But just know, I had the thought.
My point is, I know DJ, and he’s a nice guy. And he deserves to be loved and have a great relationship with a great girl. In the meantime, there’s a lesson to be learned about how to not vilify, demean, degrade and disrespect an entire city of women just because you can’t get your dick wet.
Pussy’s not a right - it’s a privilege. And if you want it, treat the things wrapped around pussies (women) with respect and dignity.
Fresh off their world tour of San Francisco Sketch Fest, Bryan and Erin sit their butts in some chairs to talk terribly named energy drinks, the Boy Scouts’ new policy on gay troupe leaders, former wrestling icon, current creep, Hulk Hogan, and Teen Mom. With special guest, writer and comedian, Lauryn Kahn.
You think Jodie Foster’s speech was crazy? Well, just wait ‘till you hear this roid fueled Throwing Shade. Hyper’s female robot statue humans at CES, transsexuals have a rough week, and special guest, from Curb and Arrested Development, a person with endless talent, Sam Pancake